In September 2010 I found out I was expecting again. By the end of October my baby was gone. In that short period of time I experienced such joy and excitement followed by immense disappointment and heartache. I remember feeling so very alone during the whole process. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant. My sister was due to have her first in the beginning of November. My husband was in Texas, training for the military, so the most he could give me was the occasional phone call. I knew no one who had gone through what I was experiencing. It felt as if the world was moving forward as my world was crumbling down. I had an 18 month to care for and nothing at home to ease the grief, so I stuffed it down, went back to work, and moved on the best I could.
I vowed I would never have another child. I was so afraid of losing another baby, but maybe more so I was afraid of losing my faith, my hope.
Having Logan was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done. I was so afraid of losing him. I remember coming home from a run and curling up to cry and pray that he was okay, and that I hadn't hurt him by exerting myself too much, but the running helped lower the anxiety, so I kept on. Since he was born, the grief has been easier to bear. He doesn't replace the baby I lost, but having him did help restore my hope.
Today I found the support that I so desperately lacked almost 8 years ago. My sister purchased a race sign honoring my baby without my knowledge, so when I saw it for the first time and completely lost it at mile 3, she held me steady and comforted me. I was vaguely aware of fellows runners shouting encouragement as they ran past me. I was given a Sharpe and a blank sheet of paper to write a note to my baby and leave it on a wall with the words of so many other families.
I was able to put my baby's name on a balloon and release it with a host of other balloons. During the rememberance ceremony I received a hug and words of encouragement from a complete stranger who probably needed a hug herself. I am so grateful to this organization for bringing everyone together to honor those babies that never got their chance at life, and for helping me realize that I was not alone! As a mother who finds solace in the miles I leave behind me I think today was the perfect outlet for the grief I've carried with me all this time and that will probably never fully leave me.
